coldestsummer | psl post: hell is round the corner

Before you go off forever thinking I was just leading you on for fun, there's something I want to say to you. If you wanna speak your mind in return, fine. But would you at least listen before telling me to fuck off.

[ Damn, he feels stupid doing this. Like he's running off lines from a dating sim. But if this kind of opening is what it'll take for Zero to sit his ass down and listen to something even if it might piss him off, then this stupid thing is just what Tomura is gonna have to do. ]

[Tomura's instincts are bang on this time - if he'd said any less than that, tried to play it casual or even ironically lighthearted, Zero would've refused him. This plainly-stated request to clear the air because he's gotten the wrong impression actually reaches Zero because... well, he wants to have gotten the wrong impression. He's taken a genuine liking to Tomura and doesn't want to have been played for a fool.

After a long, icy stare, he finally relaxes and nods.]

Yeah. Alright.

[ First he's going to find them a more secluded area, one of the living rooms he's pretty sure is unused. Rather than sit, however, he stands with his arms crossed, eventually starting to pace as he haltingly makes his way through a laundry list that's been rotating in his head since their texts. ]

You're right. Maybe I haven't been trusting you enough for all this.

I don't think you want to betray us or take advantage of me—which I wouldn't allow, anyway—

But when you first showed up, I didn't know shit about you. Fine. All of us have our reasons. But almost every time we spoke it was this whole thing, and did you really expect me to let you stick around, no questions asked? You should know—the kind of risks villains deal with. I didn't fucking make demands because of my ego, or because I wanted to control you!

But even after that I got the feeling you just—questioned my judgment. I listened to what you told me. And I thought you wouldn't want what I wanted—out of sex—and it pissed you off too, when I tried to lay out what that was. Did I "overthink" that? Did you just think I've had a stick up my ass about this for no reason? That I just need to "loosen up"?

[ He exhales sharply, scrubbing his hands over his face like it'll help him get a grip. ]

I piss you off whether I try to or not. Whether I'm just saying something or responding to something you said. Maybe some of that has to do with your past, but it's still me you're getting pissed off at. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that.

I wasn't trying to lead you on. Do I seem like I enjoy playing those types of games? You say you like me, but then all this happens. It pisses me off, but it's not like I hate you—or that I just want to toy with you. I just—can't tell how to handle you most of the time.

[ He takes a breath as though to add more, then realizes there probably isn't much more to add. Instead, he shrugs, as though to say "well, there you have it." And there you have it, everything articulated to the point he's figured them out, making him feel like a damn stupid asshole in a shoujo anime laying out all these stupid feelings. Humiliating, honestly. ]

[Zero's quiet for a long time after Tomura's finished talking, but it's not due to any simmering anger under the surface - his expression is pensive, with deep furrows carved out between his brows, and there's a hint of shame in his eyes.

At first, his response is a simple, quietly sighed out word:] Yeah.

[To everything that's been said about him, really. He pinches the bridge of his nose for a moment, taking in and letting out another slow breath, before he finally dares to look Tomura in the face.]

I've got no excuses. You know how I always say I don't date? This is why, not because I'm some lone wolf that won't be tied down... saying I'm just too much of an asshole is a copout but it's true. I usually just fuck and run to save people the trouble but this time I figured I'd - invest or whatever, pursue it when it didn't automatically happen. And I get that I've fucked up too, bigtime. I shouldn't have gotten so pushy when you were just being clear and I really shouldn't have blamed everything on you. Never fucking occurred to me that maybe I don't know how to do this and you'd end up getting fucked over because of it.

[His voice has started to rise with anger, but none of it is directed at Tomura. After squeezing his eyes shut for a moment to will down the cresting wave of frustration, he continues.]

And as for when I first showed up... I've got a lot to answer for there. If you're still willing to hear it, I'll tell you. [Some of it, anyway. He still won't implicate Dabi.]

I don't—feel fucked over. It's not like you've left me with something I can't recover from. Maybe I am kinda annoyed though. I've had people argue, but none of 'em storm off before I get to say anything.

[ At least he says it without heat—more exasperation. ]

I let you pursue me—well, no. I took as long as I did because I knew what you were like, that what I was like pissed you off. But when you kept up with it, I thought maybe it'd be okay..? Or something. Maybe you'd found a middle ground you could work with.

[ He doesn't actually know anymore what conclusion Zero's landed at, but that can wait. After a moment, he drags his feet over to one of the couches and leans into the arm, calming down but not fully relaxed. ]

I'll hear you out.

[Honestly, before they discuss any sort of future connection any further, Zero wants to clear the air about something more important.

... wants to? That might be too strong of a word. He feels like nothing can progress without this truth being spoken and, to even his own surprise, trusts Tomura to digest the information before acting in any drastic way. When it comes to the League and wider Liberation Army, he's shown himself to have a shockingly cool head at times.

So. It's time. Zero sags even more profoundly in his seat, elbows resting on his knees and head hung.]

When I said I was looking for someone from my past, that was true. And I really did think the danger I'd put myself in by saying more was - well, I guess I just told myself it mattered more than any suspicions you guys might have about me. Selfish bullshit but I specialize in that. Apparently that's what happens when you have no one else around for nine years.

[Stop. Stop the self-pity. Just say it.]

I left my family home when I was about nine or ten and haven't had any real contact with them since. But it was big news when I disappeared because my older brother had died like a year and a half before, and my father...

... my father's Todoroki Enji. Endeavor.

[ Self-pity or not, Tomura listens with (what may be to others) surprising lack of judgment. As he'd said, everyone has their reasons, and villains with reasons to feel sorry for themselves are a dime a dozen in their world. It's not until Zero reaches the conclusion of his story that Tomura shows any change in expression—just a slight widening of his eyes.

Some things slot together with that revelation. The things Zero says about heroes, the things he says about his father, the vague feeling of recognition that Tomura can't exactly put his finger on when he looks at Zero. He almost wants to think he should've realized sooner, but Sensei had always been more interested in All Might, and that was passed down to him too. Still, he remembers a thing or two about the No. 2, including the details Zero's confirming now. He doesn't remember the names of the children though. ]

... I see. So the No. 2 has a villain for a son, huh?

[ It's... probably not the best response he could give to a revelation like this, but he isn't quite certain what else to say. He isn't sure what Zero wants to hear, what the thing is that he wants answered. ]

[What Zero expects to hear is an explosion of hatred, distrust, loathing, maybe even betrayal. How dare he insinuate himself into the League of Villains when he comes from a grotesque hero bloodline? Did he ever really think he could associate with Real Villains as if he's one himself? The voice whispering those thoughts into his ear is more likely to be that of his own self-loathing, not Tomura's, but Zero can't see it that way. Not yet.

So his head snaps up when Tomura responds so casually, mouth hanging open.]

You see? That - is that it?

Um.

[ He really isn't any good at this... ]

It makes sense with... what I know about you so far. And it's not unheard of for heroes—or their children to become villains.

... I guess Endeavor must have been a pretty terrible hero, if he couldn't protect his own.

[Now Zero can only gape at him in open disbelief.]

This doesn't change anything? For you? Anything at all?

Should it?

[His only response is a long, shaky breath, after which he buries his face in both hands. All the adrenaline that built up in his system as he prepared to drop this news now has nowhere to go, and he's actually trembling from the force of it rushing and pinballing through his body.]

Nah, no, just - just gimme a sec. [He laughs, quiet and brittle.] I forget sometimes. No one else fucking knows him. They can't know what it means to be... to have any part of him in your... in what you are.

[ He's no good at this, even so he can see how much this affects Zero, and in spite of everything Tomura is, he's not inclined to brush off his allies lightly. After a moment, he drops the defensive stance and approaches Zero, squatting down before the man's hunched form. He rests his arms on his knees, making a surface where he drops his chin, casual but attentive. ]

Okay. Tell me about him.

[That Tomura's response is kindness, an open willingness to listen, tells Natsuo everything he needs to know about how badly he's undervalued this man. He's lucky to be here now with a chance to explain. So lucky.]

He's... a demon. I mean it. [And indeed, the look on Natsuo's face when he lifts his head and stares down at his hands can only be described as haunted.] He's been trying to - to fucking breed what he thinks will be the perfect hero, half ice and half fire so neither one overwhelms their body. Our "family" was never about anything but that, he's never given a fuck about us. But he gets into our heads, he drove Touya and Fuyumi crazy and I can only imagine how fucked up Shouto must be by now - my mom's in a fucking institution! It's all about making him happy, being everything he wants you to be, keeping him calm, making sure he doesn't get so mad that someone gets hurt...

[This wasn't supposed to be part of his confession. The words just keep tumbling out faster and faster before Natsuo can stop himself because no one's ever invited him to talk about this before.]

... and I'm just. Scared. I like to think I got out in time but look at me.

Edited 2023-09-10 01:03 (UTC)

[ It's unusual for him to be here. Villains are the sorts who are typically tight-lipped about their lives, and yet every so often they'd say a thing or two that gave them the expression Zero is wearing now.

Maybe the most unexpected part is how much Tomura can understand the family Zero describes.

He peers up at the devastated look on Zero's face, his own only bearing neutrality. ]

What am I supposed to see that'll change how I think of you?

I told you!! We're all crazy, he's fucked us all up. You can't trust me now!

[Back to anger. The anger-fear connection Natsuo's tried to explain to Tomura before might make a bit more sense now, as the defensive walls fly up right in front of his face.]

Are you deciding that for me?

[ His expression narrows briefly, like he finds that kind of dumb. But he doesn't linger on it. ]

Maybe you're crazy and fucked up. Do you think you're the only one? That everyone else got here because they're normal?

Everyone's got their own reasons. I'll lead you all to the end anyway.

[Hearing Tomura say things like this is one thing. Hearing other members back it up and say he's always seemed genuine is another. But now he's proving his words, actually living by them, and that's another thing altogether.]

I... I'm sorry. I haven't been fair to you at all.

You're lucky I don't care about that anymore, or I'd be the one starting the fight.

[ But honestly someone having the wrong idea of him is small potatoes when other disagreements lead to people sending an army after him, so... ]

You know, one thing I haven't really done is apologize to anyone, ever. So maybe there's more hope for you than me.

[The last bit gets a weak laugh, brief but genuine.]

I don't even know what to fucking say now. I should say something if you're still here listening, but...

[He just feels so stupid, so pathetically broken and incapable.]

I did propose to let you say your piece. Is there anything else you want to say?

... yeah. There's a couple of things.

I do like you, and that time you helped get me off made me more determined to wait until you're ready, not less. When I said it was hot to see you loosen up, I - didn't just mean you. We've both had our shit we're not sure about and it's kept pushing us apart. I wasn't judging, or I didn't mean to. It was more like... hey, good shit can happen when we're both more relaxed and comfortable.

That's all I meant. And when you turned that back into me wanting to force you, right after - I mean, even while we're talking about something that happened because I made myself loosen up right along with you... that felt fucked up. I thought you had to be trying to fuck with my mind.

[ For a moment he's silent, processing, before giving a nod. ]

I thought you just... saw my approach as wrong the whole time. I got annoyed.

[ He already explained why, so he doesn't get into it again, just cops to his reaction. As much as a lighthearted gesture of comfort it might have been, Tomura wasn't exactly kidding about not apologizing so—this is his version of admitting fault. ]

If I'm gonna be wrong about something I guess this is a good time.

... You... don't think I'm just holding back for stupid reasons, right?

[ What does feel stupid is this ask for reassurance, but it's important to know, he thinks. ]

[Apologies aren't important. Zero's just glad Tomura was willing to admit his side of the misunderstanding so they can move past the whole thing.]

I think it's never been any of my fucking business why you're holding back, but no, they're not stupid reasons.

[After a pause, he has a question of his own.]

Are you gonna get someone to look into me?

Sometimes people still want to get their say in anyway.

... No. The information would've been more useful to me when I didn't know who the fuck you were or what you wanted anyway.

[Disarmingly honest, like so many things Tomura says. In that case...]

My name's Todoroki Natsuo.

... Do you want me to call you that?

No. Fuck, no.

Just wanted to tell you.

[ A nod. ]

Zero, then.

[ He makes to push himself back up, but stops midway, leaning in close to Zero's face. There's only a split second before he presses their lips together, firm but chaste, and then he's gone, righting himself and patting down his clothes. ]

[motherfucker whAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

Colour him newly confused but much better equipped to deal with whatever happens next...]

... You seem surprised. Was it unwelcome?

[Oh shit, he was hoping Tomura hadn't noticed that reaction.]

I, uh - when you usually fuck and run, it means you don't exactly get kissed like that much. Or kissed like anything much.

But no, not unwelcome.

[His face is on fire.]

Hmm.

[ With an answer like that, of course Tomura's tempted. Plus Zero's pretty cute like this, and it's sort of refreshing to be the one to initiate something unusual. Bending at the waist again, Tomura raises a hand to lightly hold Zero's chin and slots their lips together again, nice and slow. ]

[Their long, turbulent dance has made it unfairly easy for Tomura to electrify Zero's body with small moments of light contact like this. It's a completely dry kiss and yet the simple fact of Tomura's papery lips on his makes Zero's heart race.

But he doesn't want to do anything that could be construed as aggressive, so he can't just allow himself to react according to his body's wishes. When Tomura doesn't immediately break the kiss, Zero softens his lips and lets them part the slightest bit as an invitation deeper inside, not a demand. One hand drifts up to Tomura's face and he catches a lock of light hair between his fingers, then tucks it gently behind Tomura's ear.

Tender. Unusually tender. It makes his chest and stomach flutter in the weirdest way.]

[ He hadn't meant to fully push Zero out of taking initiative, but he's not going to complain right now. This is pleasant too, despite his own slightly vacillating movements, the drag of their mouths together, Zero's lips soft and warm against his own.

Zero may not do this much, but Tomura has no experience either, he's working purely on instinct as he dips his tongue out briefly, brushing against Zero's parted lips. That's where he winds up at a loss though, and after a moment he pulls back a little, slightly flushed, but he doesn't back away, his eyes instead tracing over Zero's face. ]

[It's not too hard to tell that Tomura's wavering on technique, not eagerness. When he pulls back with that slightly dazed look, Zero can't help but grin.]

Let me take over? [The pad of his thumb brushes over the mole just under Tomura's lower lip.] You say stop, I stop.

[ That grin on Zero is so attractive it's unfair, and that annoys Tomura, just enough to huff, petulant. It isn't what makes him pull away, he does that to think, backing away a little more as his eyes drift towards the ceiling. With each of their misconceptions cleared, he feels less hesitant to let things move forward, but...

He glances back to Zero. ]

If we go any further, just to let you know, I'm in the mood to be spoiled.

[ Matter-of-factly. He was the one who approached Zero about it, but after expelling those thoughts on everything, he feels tired. Definitely too tired to take the role of pushing them onward. ]

psl post: hell is round the corner

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